How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
