is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
