the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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