haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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