i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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