why didn't you poke me back
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
