ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
