my phone needs a breathalizer
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
