i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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