So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
