Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
