today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
