watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize