I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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