we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
