Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i think my cat just said my name.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
