And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
