Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
