If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize