So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize