I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Randomize
