genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize