The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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