apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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