I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
