You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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