my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
