I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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