He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize