I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
