you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
