my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize