why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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