so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you will always have a special place in my vag
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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