What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You need a sexual gate keeper
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
