He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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