1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
