I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
