What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
