Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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