I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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