I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
