so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
