Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
