thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
