I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
