i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize