you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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