Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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