my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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