The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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