those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
