Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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