i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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