Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
