At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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