Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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