Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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