She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
