i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
