does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize