Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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