My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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