i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
