i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
