I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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