we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
